THE GAP AND THE GAIN
Book photo from Dr. Benjamin Hardy.
Today is the day! I’ve been waiting in anticipation for the release of THE GAP AND THE GAIN by Dr. Benjamin Hardy and his co-author Dan Sullivan. And I’ve been waiting for this moment to publish my post.
I’ve read the book twice (yes, twice!) and GAIN so much from it. I’ve satisfied my curiosity and made notes about a lot of questions in my mind as I tackled the book. Questions such as:
What is “THE GAP”?
How do you get out of “THE GAP”?
What is “THE GAIN”?
How do you live your life more in “THE GAIN”?
Why are most high-achievers unhappy?
What is the most empowering and healthy way to “measure yourself” as a person?
What’s the difference between “wants” and “needs”?
Dr. Hardy is one of my favorite life-changing authors. I’ve read all his books and when I got the opportunity to read this latest work of his prior to its release, I knew I’d be in for another wonderful journey to either precious discovery of ideas or affirmation that I am on the right path. The book is easy to read BUT read it carefully, because it also challenges you to work on yourself. Let the concept of the GAP and the GAIN sink into your being.
Who Should Read It?
Although the book referenced a lot to entrepreneurs, The Gap and The Gain is an essential reading for everyone because it changes how you will perceive your achievements and those of others. It is possible to be happy AND be a high achiever.
The Gap and the Gain succinctly puts everything I’ve read in countless other books into one crystal clear package. The concept of the GAP and the GAIN has been hidden behind the exclusive walls of Dan Sullivan’s Strategic Coach program, but we now have the privilege of tapping into these concepts, thanks to Dr. Hardy codifying this process in the form of this book.
Reading the book is important but the willingness to implement the tools and adopt the mindset presented in the book to continually grow in both success and happiness in life and business are what’s going to be transformative.
How the Book Changed Me
An immediate impact the book has on me is the awareness that I have at times spend way too much time in the GAP, but that also I’m not alone in feeling this way because Dr. Hardy himself succumbs too. However, the key is we now have that awareness and can be mindful in working our way through and out of it.
The book made me want to be a better human (spouse, sibling, friend, coworker). It made me rethink the way I treat myself and others, and how I view achievement and happiness. I thought I was already quite good at being mindful and generally a happy human, but there’s definitely lots of room for improvement!
I aim to stay out of the GAP while continue to move toward becoming more present, more grateful, and a happier human.
I aim to:
Embrace the freedom of “wants” (and avoid the attachment of “needs”) — read Chapter 1
Be self-determined by defining my own success criteria — read Chapter 2
Train my brain to see GAINS - read Chapter 3
My Five Top Quotes: (all by Dan Sullivan unless otherwise stated)
THE GAP AND THE GAIN
“Your future growth and progress are now based in your understanding about the difference between the two ways in which you can measure yourself: against an ideal, which puts you in what I call ‘the GAP,’ and against your starting point, which puts you in ‘the GAIN,’ appreciating all that you’ve accomplished.”
GOALS EXPAND HAPPINESS
“I don’t think we set and achieve goals in an effort to become happy. We do it because we are happy and want to expand our happiness.”
IDEALS ILLUMINATE THE PATH
“The ideal is like the sun that illuminates the path ahead of you to give you the encouragement to take the necessary steps to reach your destination.”
REALITY MEASURED BACKWARD
“The future isn’t a reality—it’s a projection. And because it’s not reality, it can’t be part of any real measurement of your progress. The only way to measure goals is backward, against the past. Use the reality of where you currently are and measure backward from there to the reality of where you started.”
OBSESSIVE VS. HARMONIOUS PASSION
“The difference between the two words ‘need’ and ‘want’ is gargantuan. When you need someone, you lose your independence and agency as a human being. Wanting, on the other hand, is the first step in learning how to love someone. The difference between need and want is the difference between codependence and love.”
My Brief Book Notes
Train my brain to measure my progress correctly; as per Dan Sullivan’s advice, the way to measure your progress is backward against where you started, not against your ideal.
By saying happiness is something we’re pursuing, the direct implication is that we don’t have it now because we don’t pursue something we already have. Pursuing keeps happiness “always up ahead” and “around the corner” even if we’ve already achieved something great. This is being in the GAP.
High achievers are particularly prone to being in the GAP.
You’re in the GAP every time you measure yourself or your situation against an ideal. The Ideal is where you wish you were. Instead, measure against the actual progress you’ve made.
Psychology has a term for this moving horizon (the ideal): hedonic adaptation. In Dr. Hardy’s words, it’s the tendency of humans to quickly adapt to where they are and what they’ve got. It leads to never being satisfied, and to constantly seeking the next thing. Psychologist Dr. Michael Eysenck has another term: “the hedonic treadmill.” When you’re on this treadmill, you’re working harder and harder to be happy but staying exactly where you started.
Being in the GAIN means you measure yourself against where you were before (your own progress) and you don’t compare yourself to something external or measure against your ideals. When you’re in the GAIN, you value all your experiences. The GAIN is about real “measurables,” not ideals.
You become better whenever you transform an experience into a GAIN by creating new lessons, insights, or standards for yourself.
I love this Seth Godin quote that Dr. Hardy included in the book: “The rule is simple: the person who fails the most will win. If I fail more than you do, I will win. Because in order to keep failing, you’ve got to be good enough to keep playing.”
Throughout the book, there are exercises and journal prompts to help readers get out of the GAP and into the GAIN. Note-to-self: Complete the exercises and restart my journaling practice.
Putting ourselves in the GAP—by having unhealthy “need” or “obsession” is not how we reach our highest level. Instead, we can have an intense commitment to succeed and have a healthy detachment from what we’re doing.
Putting ourselves in the GAIN, we don’t “need” anything outside of ourselves. We’re driven internally by a healthy and chosen “want.” In Dr. Hardy’s words: You take what happens outside of you to transform and improve yourself.
An interesting comment, which I will constantly put at the front of my mind: “If you have the need to be “right” in an argument, then you’re in the GAP.”
Why obsessive passion is not good: “Research shows that obsessive passion stops you from being mindful. You have a difficult time being in the moment because you’re so fixated on your obsession. It’s all-consuming, but also filled with twinges of regret and internal conflict. Hence, obsessive passion actually stops you from being in a flow state—or the state of being fully immersed in what you’re doing.” (short-term thinking; remember the hedonic treadmill)
However, harmonious passion is good: It is intrinsically motivated and healthy. “When you are harmoniously passionate, you control your passion rather than having it control you. You’re intuitive and thoughtful about what you’re doing, not reactive and irrational. You’re purposeful and goal-directed, not “need”-driven.” #flowstate
Play the long game (which means you LOVE where you’re at now, and you love where you’re going.) — read more about this in the book!
Psychologist Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs was mentioned in the book when the expression of freedom (i.e. freedom from and freedom to) was discussed. The lower levels of Maslow’s hierarchy are based on freedom from e.g., hunger, dangers, the elements, social isolation, and even lack of self-esteem. The highest level of Maslow’s hierarchy i.e., self-actualization is another way of saying that you have the freedom to be whatever it is you choose to be. You’ve freed yourself from internal and external constraints that would stop you from having autonomy and choice. (Here’s my own experience: In my younger days, I first came across the Maslow’s hierarchy when I was self-studying for a diploma and at that point I was inspired to working hard to achieve freedom from (I was poor). I’ve succeeded and at this stage of my life I’m achieving freedom to self-actualization.”) Really, by actively learning from our experiences, we truly can transform our lives.
Important to note: IDEALS AREN’T FOR MEASUREMENT. It’s there for emotional, psychological, and intellectual motivation.
Define your own success criteria: In Dr. Hardy’s words, becoming self-determined is very difficult in today’s world. The noise and distractions are relentless, making it nearly impossible to truly make yourself your own reference point, and to have an internal compass.
Social media is largely designed to put people into the GAP; designed to stop people from becoming self-determined. A statement used to describe social media in the Netflix documentary The Social Dilemma is, “If you’re not paying for the product, then you are the product.” Note-to-self: Use social media mindfully.
The antidote to being in the GAP is to measure yourself by your own GAIN and not worrying about other people. You have an internal reference point.
I love this: “No one else can set your happy meter.”
Some very useful filtering process are explained in the book for high quality decision making:
Dean Jackson’s “List of 10 items”
Lee Brower’s “6 questions”
The British rowing team’s “1-question filtering”
The filtering process helps us get proficient at saying “No” to anything that misaligns with our success criteria. Dr. Hardy: “Your list of success criteria is your rocket fuel.”
Be aware of “fairness violations” — people with low emotional intelligence are highly sensitive to where everything has to be “totally fair” or “weighted in their favor” or they’ll be upset or break down if they don’t get what they believe “should be theirs.”
Being in the GAIN means you appreciate your GAINS and don’t get overly reactive (or in the GAP) when your situation isn’t exactly how you felt it should be.
Call it (or yourself) out when you’re in the GAP.
Practice mental subtraction. See the possibility that you could lose the things you are complaining about.
If I must complain, give myself 5 minutes in the GAP, then move forward.
Pre-plan. In performance psychology, there is a concept known as implementation intentions, which is a strategy to plan for the worst so you can perform your best. (This is one of my super powers and has worked really well in my own life. I vouch for this practice 100%.)
Journal. Journal. Journal. This practice allows us to tap back into the context of our former self, and see the massive GAINS. The book provides detailed explanation and prompts on how to do this well.
The last hour of your day can be a GAIN-hour that positively transforms how you sleep, as well as, your entire next day.
Be psychologically flexible! Embrace pathway thinking.
“Successful people don’t control events; they control their response to events.”—Dan Sullivan
View my past as a goldmine. A goldmine of experience that I can tap into again and again (this is also my life mantra, actually). Practice deliberate rumination.
Become antifragile. Note-to-self: Re-read Dr. Nassim Taleb’s Antifragile.
I beckon you to: Treat yourself well and read THE GAP AND THE GAIN.
“I used to get annoyed about things. Now I always look for the positive side of it. It used to take a rational effort. It used to take a few seconds for me to come up with a positive. Now I can do it sub-second.”
Before you go, check out these other related articles too:
This is how your brain sabotages your happiness (FastCompany) In this excerpt from The Gap and the Gain, authors Benjamin P. Hardy and Dan Sullivan say if you think that “happiness” and “success” are something you “pursue” and will have in your future, then you’re in trouble. You’re making yourself and others around you miserable.
Discouraged About Your Business? You Might Not Be Measuring Your Progress Right (Inc.) If you feel like you're not making enough progress in your business, try looking backward instead of forward.
Podcast: The Gap and the Gain with Dr. Benjamin Hardy (The You-est Podcasts with Julie Reisler)
Podcast: 575: Benjamin Hardy | Minding the Gap and the Gain (The Jordan Harbinger Show)
About the Author: Dr. Benjamin Hardy is an organizational psychologist and author of Willpower Doesn’t Work and Personality Isn’t Permanent. Together, he and Dan Sullivan co-authored the national bestseller Who Not How and The Gap and The Gain. His blogs have been read by more than 100 million people and are featured in the Harvard Business Review, The New York Times, Forbes, Fortune, CNBC, and others. For several years, he was the #1 most-read writer on Medium.com. He and his wife, Lauren, are the parents of six kids. They live in Orlando, Florida.
